she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
