I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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