When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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