I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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