and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
