You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
