used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I cut my penus on the lid.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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