in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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