I accidentally had phone sex last night
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
