i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
