ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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