Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
