my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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