im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
