Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
