i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
