When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
