I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
