I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
