Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
