nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
