Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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