Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
