Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
