why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
