A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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