This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
