I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Don't make out with my wife yet
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
