I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
