I love black thongs
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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