then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize