Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
