I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You left your phone here
Wait...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
