You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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