My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
