sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
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