my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
