Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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