I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
