you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
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I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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