You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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