In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
