I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
