he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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