im drinking this country out of the recession.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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