The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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