i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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