Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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