So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I didn't notice because vodka
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
