Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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