4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
