I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
