There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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