You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
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I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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