Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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