Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist