Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low