im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.